2007 Smoker of the Year WINNER!!!!

Hi folks, I’m Biff Wiggleman…welcome to the 2007 Smoker of the Year Awards Ceremony!!

This is the moment you’ve been waiting for all year and I know you’re all itching to see who this year’s winner is, but you’ll have to wait until the end of our show.

First off, let me tell you a little bit about how the Smoker of the Year voting took place.

First off you, the angling public, voted and narrowed the 20 entries from 2007 down to the top 4.

Then, our panel of river rats, pirates and poachers (aka: “The Judges”) took over from there and have declared a winner.

The final standings are currently in a locked, guarded vault under the stage and nobody but the judges and a representative of the accounting firm, Dewy, Cheatum and Howe know the results.

Okay, let’s take a commercial break here and we’ll be right back. The results are coming up on the next page….

Okay, let’s first meet our judges. All are regular commentators on this site. In no particular order:

• Ryan “Saba-toothed Tiger” Sabalow: The author of a self-published, unauthorized ABBA biography, a devout fan of women’s mud wrestling and the owner of a Northern California Indian head-dress making supply shop, Sabalow is an expert angler and says he’d rather catch a spent steelhead than find a winning lotto ticket.

• Rod Vin Steel: Following a failed audition for an off-Broadway version of the Pirates of Penzance, Vin Steel found a home in the adult film industry as a supplier of fish-related props. On his days off, he enjoys long walks in the park with his toy poodle, writing poetry and continues his never-ending quest to take an African rhino with a Wrist Rocket.

• Rudy: The self-proclaimed watchdog of internet fishing sites, Rudy spends most of his waking life pointing out inaccuracies on guide’s websites and stirring the pot on message boards. His hobbies include cooking road kill, growing out his “Fro” and avoiding anything that’s remotely related to personal hygiene.

Now that we’ve met the judges, let’s see what they had to say about our finalists. Without further adieu, let’s have the results!!!!!!

3rd RUNNER UP

Sabalow: Come on, man….you didn’t even catch that thing. I cry foul!

Vin Steel: DQ! Negative points for lack of respect. This salmon completed an inspiring and mystical life journey. Photographing the dead is forbidden. The pathetic pencil lead may have earned points if he was creative enough to add a scratch-and-sniff enhancement to the photo or at least an accompanying pic documenting consumption. Better a post to the Kill it and Grill it Ted Nugent wall of shame.

Rudy: It’s a smoker alright, but if you’re going to use a dead one, at least smash it with a rock or something first. Get some cool white stuff floating around the shot!

2nd RUNNER UP

Sabalow: This smoker is definitely No. 2. I mean that in the most barroom bathroom, five minutes before closing-time sense.

Seriously, did this fish just swim up a Cuisinart food processor? I’m all for catch and release, but I think if this guy threw that fish back, he would swim about well as a one-armed, one-legged guy in the 200 meter Olympic back stroke. The fact that it’s spooging in Mr. Ibach’s hand just makes it all the more special.

Vin Steel: Putrefaction. The French have a fool proof method of determining when your field shot fowl are properly aged – hang them by the feet; when the duck falls (from it’s feet that is), the aging process is complete and the bird is ready for the oven. I’d rather pop the puss from a pimple between my teeth than eat the culinary compost in question. Forensics reveal that this salmon was alive yet clearly ‘willed’ itself onto the Kwikfish without any means of propulsion in a desperate attempt to achieve rapture. Honorary Mention.

Rudy: How the hell did that fish bite a lure?

1st RUNNER UP

Sabalow: Did anyone else notice there’s a hot chick in this photo? It’s an optical illusion. If you squint and let your eyes go blurry, you’ll see her. It’ll take you a minute, but you’ll get it. Hey, is that a schooner? (Sorry, Mallrats reference.)

Vin Steel: Sashimi. Rescue her from the ghetto, slide onto the river sled, and roll tape! That soft silky belly flesh nipply mmm Mmm mm nails scratching graffiti into this Rod’s back. Butterfly jigging for hairy hamachi: I’m grabbing the snorkel and diving deep. One can ponder the possibilities – Runner Up!

Rudy: Yum!

And, here we go……

Sabalow: BRRRAAAAIIIINNNNNNSSSSS!!!!
Someone, quick, shoot that fish in the head before it has a chance to bite someone and make more undead salmon from hell. Wait a minute, that load of baby batter it’s dribbling in the Feather River will do that anyway. Remind me not to swim in that cesspit any time soon.

Just for touching that fish, you deserve a free fishing trip, Mr. Ibach. You, sir, are this year’s Smoker of the Year award winner…just, please, wash your hands before getting in J.D.’s boat!

Vin Steel: 1 Emphysema. A slight cut for the angler’s lungs exhibiting the same coloration as the fungus infested fish. The smell here is reminiscent of a scene riding tandem behind Jimmy Diggler into a beach scene after he ate one of his famous chorizo burritos. I’m not a fan of dude handling another dude with an English fag in his mouth but . . . Points for the ‘bones’ vest, bonus for gristle, mega points for the money shot. Blue Ribbon!

Rudy: Dude, you’re the man! It’s going to be a long time before anybody tops that one! Congrats!!

With the victory, Harrison Ibach wins a free trip of his choosing with JD Richey Sportfishing Charters for either spawned out steelhead or spring squawfish. Well done, Harrison!

Thanks to everybody who entered this season…the 2008 contest promises to be bigger and better than ever!

Don’t forget, the 2008 Smoker of the Year Contest is open for submissions on Jan. 1!

Related Articles:

• Friday, Dec. 21: The final day to vote for your favorite Smoker of the Year
• The 2008 SMOKER OF THE YEAR Contest…Let the Games Begin!!
• I think he’s just sleeping (Smoker of the Year Contest entry)
• Coastal Chrome (Smoker of the Year contest entry)
• Prince of Darkness (2008 Smoker of the Year Contest entry)