Fishermen Say the Darndest Things!
October 7, 2004
Remember that show Bill Cosby used to have called “Kids say the darndest things” If you’ll recall, ol’ Bill used to just ask kids a bunch of questions…and what the little rug rats had to say was always entertaining. Well, if there are any TV execs out there right now, I propose to you a new variation on that same basic theme — only instead of kids, I want to use fishermen. Being out on the river every day, I hear some fisher folk say some pretty funny stuff.
The Healing Power of Fishing
July 22, 2004
As 10-year-old Rodney looked on with fantastic anticipation, the giant salmon was hoisted onto the lodge’s scale. For a couple of tense seconds, the red needle bounced around - and then there was a huge cheer from the assembled crowd when it finished dancing and finally came to rest at 42 pounds.
Hanging there in the warm glow of the Alaskan midnight sun, the great fish was as long as the pint-sized angler was tall. Camera flashes popped all around and little Rodney’s grin was as wide as the river. A few feet away, the kid’s grandma was wearing the most brilliant smile I’d ever seen. Watching the happy scene, I found myself wishing that somebody from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) had been there to see Rodney basking in the delight of catching the biggest salmon that the lodge had seen all season. A few days earlier, when Rodney stepped off the plane to visit the Alaskan outback, I overheard somebody ask him where his father was. The kid said that his dad had been killed in a logging accident only three weeks prior. Then, his grandma - who had just lost her only son - got off the plane and started sobbing.
The Mardi Gras Peacock and the Big Steelhead
January 29, 2004
The guy I had in the right front seat of my driftboat didn’t seem to be bothered by the fact that he’d snagged and lost — through a total disregard of the simple instructions I’d given that morning — six of my best steelhead plugs throughout the day. It was late in the afternoon as I went to tie on the seventh and, scanning my now much-depleted plug box, I decided I couldn’t take the chance of him losing yet another. Busy yakking with his buddy all day and not noticing his plugs were getting fouled in the rocks, he obviously didn’t care anyway. So, I pulled out an expendable lure — one that had been given to me as a sample by the manufacturer. It was a Wiggle Wart, just like the ones the guy had been losing all day, but this one had such a ridiculous paint job I dubbed it the “Mardi-Gras Peacock.” The hideous, clown-like plug had a baby-blue back, an orange belly, gold flanks, bright yellow eyes – and for good measure, black and red tiger stripes running down its sides. Maybe a walleye would have low enough self-esteem to eat such a thing, but not a noble steelhead! Well, you know what happened next, right?
To Be a Kid Again!
October 31, 2003
Sometimes I wish I was a kid again. Sometimes I long for the days when I didn’t know so much. Way before I understood the relationship between water temperatures and fish behavior, before I worried about run sizes, falling barometers, river levels, dry winters and reservoir storage, before I knew about sodium sulfite bait curing processes, chemically-sharpened hooks and Nano-Titanium rod blanks; prior to figuring out peak fish migrations dates and travel lanes and feeding patterns — back before it all, the river was always so full of promise and anything was possible.
A bass called JAWS
March 7, 2003
You’ve heard the triumphant tail, er, tale of Steelie Dan, the homeward-bound steelhead, and a salmon named King and its tragic story of unfuilled destiny. Now, it’s time to sit back and learn the ballad of the huge bass they called Jaws…
Respect Your Quarry
July 30, 2002
With lactic acid burning in her weary muscles, the salmon finally submitted to the force of the heavy graphite meatstick and 50-pound line. Unceremoniously, she was dragged into the shallows and then booted onto the gravel bank with a swift kick amidships. As she lay there on the bank stunned, gills gasping for breath, her captor took a set of pliers to the large treble hook that was buried in her tail. For leverage, he stepped on the fish’s head and pulled with all his strength. Eventually, the terrible hooks tore free, removing a large chunk of flesh as they went. The man then unsheathed a long, silver blade and split her belly lengthwise from vent to chin.
With a sun-chapped hand, he reached inside her quivering, eviscerated body cavity and served her one more graceless act.
Learn More About Fish With a Mask & Snorkel
April 30, 2002
We were fishing the South Yuba just above Lake Englebright and the bite was slow. Being 12 at the time, I’d gotten a little bored with fishing and decided to go for a swim. My best buddy at the time, Rusty, kept fishing and lobbed a nightcrawler into the pool. With my mask on, I watched the worm break the surface and get pulled to the bottom by the splitshot. The weight made a small explosion in the sediment as it hit the river bed, and when the worm touched down, it started wiggling frantically. That movement soon attracted several 10- to 12-inch smallmouth bass to the area.
Tales from The River
March 11, 2002
If you spend enough time on the river, you’re going to see some strange things out there. Oh yes, I know of what I speak — you name it and I’ve run across it. It seems that rivers and their banks are magnets for interesting characters, bizarre situations and, sometimes, a person or event that inspires a new name for a particular part of the river. Now, here are some of the stories behind the names…
Somewhat Worthless Fish Trivia
January 21, 2002
Every once in a while, everyone needs a heaping helping of good old fashioned (and utterly useless) fish factoids. Actually, I’m not sure why, but here it goes anyway:
PLEASE PULL OVER
The “fastest fish in the sea” distinction goes to the cosmopolitan sailfish, which has been clocked at speeds of up to 68 miles an hour in short bursts. When they’re not in hot pursuit of a meal, however, the “cosmo” usually cruises at about 5 to 10 mph.
GOT FISH?
Humans consume around 97 million tons of seafood per year globally and more than 200 million people around the world depend on fisheries for vital nutrition - and their livelihoods. Seems like keeping our waters clean and in good condition kinda makes sense from that standpoint, eh?
More Tales from the River
September 30, 2001
It was late in October a couple years back and my mind, body and soul were dog tired. I’d been guiding salmon for five months straight and I was in desperate need of a vacation. One of my clients hooked and landed a nice 20-pound king at first light. Knowing full well that that the bite had been very tough the previous few days, I felt very good to have a fish on board right out of the chute.
While the guys exchanged high-fives in celebration of their good fortune, I slid the fish onto the stringer and tossed it over the side. The only problem was a few month’s worth of sleep depravation had my brain running on “energy conservation” mode and I forgot to do one teeny little thing before I threw the salmon into the water…um…tie the other end of the stringer to the boat.
